A Great Depression: A Guy’s Field Guide to Therapists
Two psychologists meet at their 20th college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated while the other psychologist looks old and withered. The older one asks the other, “What’s your secret? Listening to other people’s problems every day, all day long, for years has made an old man of me.”
The younger-looking one looks at his old friend incredulously and asks, “You listen?”
The mental health system has not been sympathetic towards me. For years I sought help only to slide ever more quickly down the slippery slope of depression, anger and despair. I thought it was me until I found therapists I could relate to and who treated me with respect, dignity and I began to draw comparisons.
Below are some suggestions based on my personal experience.
- The major difference between a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a mental health counselor and a therapist is money. The more they charge you the more they feel like they can treat you like shit. One of my emotional breakthroughs came during eight sessions with an intern who charged me $10 a session. Not yet jaded by insurance companies who made her feel like she was working in a factory she listened at a level few people have ever listened to me. Because she was a student, her supervisor sat quietly nearby rarely interjecting and only after he asked my permission. It was a profound experience to be the center of attention without being judged, criticized or shamed.
Going to a college intern is like going to a barber college. It works as long as you’re not too picky about your appearance. And if they screw it up they don’t charge you.
On the issue of money: if you are a private pay patient you will be treated better than someone referred by your insurance company. After a session a private pay client writes out a check in the therapists’ name and they can pocket the proceeds without filling out any pesky forms. They love it.
- If you go to couple’s therapy with your wife you will be labeled the “presenting problem.” This means its all your fault. Get used to it, deal with it and become the most rational person in the room. Anything you do that displays anger, frustration or defensiveness will work against you. Take notes. Nothing rattles a therapist more than a client who takes more notes than they do. Once the initial sessions are completed you can approach the situation on your own terms.
When the therapist begins to take your side your wife (partner) will say, “Don’t you think he’s too young (old, inexperienced, charges too much)?
- Choosing a good therapist is like hiring a good mechanic, plumber or roofer: word of mouth. It’s not like finding a “good” lawyer because there aren’t any. You want a nuts and bolts guy not a dilettante. Within the first five minutes after they close the door you will know.
- You don’t have to tell anyone you are seeing a therapist, including your wife or your family. Otherwise, you will be sitting at Thanksgiving dinner and your spouse will announce: “Ray’s in therapy and he recently recalled his mother wanted to stop breast feeding so she rubbed Tabasco sauce on her nipples.”
Awkward.
For the 50 minutes you are out of contact say you were at the gym, the doctor’s, the dentist or in a meeting.
- Mental illness is a monster. Give it a home. Don’t deny it’s existence because it will only make it stronger. Going into therapy is acceptance the monster lives within us. Nonetheless it is a fearful place but we have all faced fear before. The only thing a therapist does is help us face that fear. Never fear the question: “What’s wrong with me?” because you fear the answer.
With the help of a skilled therapist I understood I had to embrace my darkness so I could see the light.


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